Live From 5 Minutes Ago

Friday, April 16, 2004

The Passion of Larry David--I've been told that some people don't like Larry David's brilliant "Curb Your Enthusiasm" because of a lack of happy endings and redemption. This story, in which Larry David winds up exonerating a murder suspect as a result of "CYE" footage proves them wrong.

Link courtesy of TV Tattle

Thursday, April 15, 2004

You're HIRED!--Donald plainly made the right choice. Kwame hung himself by how he ran his team in the final episode, and I'm going to take nervous micro-management that gets it right over nonplussed who manages to cover up his own screw-ups. (Of course, micro-management that creates screw-ups is the worst.) The biggest disappointment? We didn't get the promised "interrogation" by the previously fired "applicants," and the "reunion" period is minimal as a result.

I also could have done without the product placement for Trump and Chrysler, especially the mention of George Steinbrenner. When was he involved? Finally, anyone else catch the rather amusing irony of the car prize being a Chrysler Crossfire, the exact same car that Amy tried to use as her "hook" to lure in gamblers?

Beware The Ides of April--I just do not buy the assertion here that it takes the average American nearly 30 hours to do their taxes. I finished my federal and New York returns last month using TurboTax, and since I was getting money back from those places, sent them in immediately. I sent in my NJ return (also prepared with TurboTax) this morning, since I owed a grand total of $90 to my state of residence. Total time spent on taxes: probably less than 5 hours, and I have a somewhat involved tax return, requiring me to file in two states. If I'd done it by hand, would have taken longer, but still, at least for the average American, I can't imagine it would take that long. (Obviously, self-employed people have a harder time because they don't have the benefit of a payroll that pre-withholds tax, but even so...)

Trump Trademark Law--In preparation for tonight's big finale of The Apprentice, and because I know how to search the Patent and Trademark Office database, here's a complete list of YOU'RE FIRED marks recently applied for:

For Decorative Pillows--By Bicor Processing Corp.
For Wines and Spirits--By David A. Drown
For Luggage--By Richard Fischer
For Apparel and Clothing--By You're Fired, Inc.
For Wearing Apparel--By Gary Waxman
For Television Programs, Clothing, Footwear, and Headgear--By JBMP, Inc. (Apparently affiliated with Mark Burnett)
For Casinos and Toys--By Donald J. Trump

Also applied for are:
A stylized "You're Fired" logo for a wide range of products, by Jeffrey Teague
YOU'RE FIRED! THE DONALD, For Colognes and Spirits, by New Horizons
A different stylized YOU'RE FIRED logo for retail shops selling art (apparently, pottery), which has been abandoned.

As for THE APPRENTICE, Applications apparently connected to the show exist--note that it takes a couple of days to get there, so recently filed applications may not yet appear:

For Clothing--By fired contestant Jessie Connors (who might want to use a PO box rather than have her home address be available on the PTO website)
For Cigars--By General Cigar Co., which may be affiliated with contestant Bill Rancic
For Television Programs--By JBMP, Inc.

Just as a note, I DO practice trademark law, so if any of these applicants want help (and can afford my legal services), feel free to e-mail me, because there's going to be fighting--a lot of fighting--over these trademarks.

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

And now for something truly important.--Apprentice Watch reports on Howard Stern's provacative interview with the girls of "The Apprentice" promoting their FHM photo spread, in which Kristi and Katrina admitted to having surgical enhancements. Somehow, I'm not shocked, especially after seeing their pictures.

Sales Tip #1--If you're going to try and sell me Cialis through Spam, at least have the dignity to spell the name of the drug correctly rather than trying to sell me "Calisis." Thanks. Also, advertising "V 1 A G R A!" in your subject line is not the best move. Finally, please do not use the following phrases in your subject line: "love tool," "j 0 hnson," or "c0ck." Thank you for your time and consideration, direct marketers.

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

"Did you just let SCREECH in the f*****g club? "--Courtesy of
Gawker, I bring you the latest in Dustin Diamond news! Diamond unsuccessfully sued to have the website removed. The arbitrators involved in the dispute bought the argument that the site constituted "art" and "parody." Close call, considering it comes from the man who brought us this and this. (Note, speakers required for full experience of previous links.) Particularly amusing are the letters that are part of the answer (available here), which call the website high art. Funny, yes. "Art?" Well, if this is art, then maybe.

Monday, April 12, 2004

Where's Nino?--Welcome to today's "Live From Five Minutes Ago" Caption Contest. The picture is here. Yes, that's Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer. Now, go!

I'm Speaking Now. No, I'm Not Going To "Hold My Peace."--I really hope this is a joke, but Gawker is reporting on the existence of a wedding registry for the nuptials of Justin Guarini and Nicole Richie. Yes, "that guy from American Idol with the goofy hair" is marrying "the other chick from The Simple Life (no, not the one with that video)." It is written in the books of prophecy that this is a sign of the impending apocalypse. Someone stop it now! Please!

No. No. It's NOT About The Looks.--I'm moderately ashamed to admit that I purchased this month's edition of FHM, which, in addition to a photo spread by Pamela Anderson (for those folks not ingenious enough to figure out how to get their hands on her seventh (I think) pictoral over in Playboy), features The Women of the Apprentice, featuring Amy, Ereka, Kristi, and Katrina posing in their skivvies. Sadly, "batshit-crazy" Omarosa (or Ass-O-Rama (tm TWOP)) does not appear, nor does profane and heavily accented Heidi. Now, these women claim they're showing off their smarts. Instead, we get Ereka discussing how great her ass is (yet no picture clearly shows her alleged "best asset"). I mean, if these folks were REALLY looking for business, why not take the $250K and pose for the men's magazine that has both full nudity and respectable journalism, rather than take nothing to show almost all?

Sunday, April 11, 2004

Again?--OK. You feel the need to bring back an African-American cast member to help you wwith your Janet Jackson episode on SNL, and you bring back Tracy Morgan to do the umpteenth unfunny iteration of "Brian Fellows' Safari Planet?" Someone needs some help.

Even more inexplicably? I know the "I wish it were Christmas today" song is traditional, but it's just not funny, even with the presence of Chris Kattan.

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